Goodbye Addiction

You know, we have been together for a really long time. Almost 17 years now off and on. That is a lot of time to spend with someone. I remember when I first met you. We were just friends at first. I liked you. I liked you a lot. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything, but I knew there was something about you. You made me feel different. Over time I grew to love you. You made me feel things I had never felt. You made me see things I had never seen before. At first, you were really good to me, and I needed that. I needed to feel loved, needed to feel whole. You supplied me with the things I couldn’t supply for myself. But somewhere along the way something changed inside of me. You changed too. Instead of making me feel loved you started to make me hate myself. Only this time I hated myself even more because of you. You were so controlling. You took over every part of my life until my life was no longer mine. I didn’t know who I was anymore and didn’t know who I was without you. I was blinded, and scared. Scared of leaving because I didn’t know any way of life other than the one I had with you. Pain and misery consumed me. Emptiness and loneliness were such a part of me even though you were always with me. Instead of wiping my tears, you only made me cry more. Instead of taking my pain away, you only inflicted more upon me. I lost everything that was important to me because you were all I could see.

Now that I am away from you I can see clearly. Truth of the matter is you never loved me. You never wanted me to be okay. You never wanted to see me succeed. You used your power over me to trick me into thinking that you cared. You wanted me to believe so many things just so you could have me. Your whole intentions were to rob me of anything good in my life, including myself.

Even though you will always be a part of me, today I know exactly what part of me you are. I will no longer walk in the darkness of your destruction. I will no longer play into your game of insanity. I walk away from you with pain that will be healed over time and I walk away knowing that you and I will never be together again. I am free of you today. I am free because someone greater than me allows me that freedom. I will grieve the losses I have caused through my relationship with you. But God also told me that he will restore all you have eaten. I say goodbye with no reluctance. I say goodbye with faith in my heart. I say goodbye knowing you and I are forever apart.

Goodbye to you Addiction.

Jackie